No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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