Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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