I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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