i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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