you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize
