I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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