she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
