i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
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Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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