I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
