How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You don't make any sense
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