Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
