If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
