Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
are you so shy because you have an std?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
