Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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