your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
