3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
