she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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