Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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