So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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