i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
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I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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