me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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