she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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