Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
