i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
