The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
