I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
