i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
