No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
