already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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