I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
