I wish my penis had an off switch
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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