I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
