in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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