everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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