Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
