I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
