You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
