I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
