I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
