All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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