My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
