I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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