I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
