my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
