i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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