so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You are a genius and a whore.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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