Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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