my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
