tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My underwear smells like fireworks.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.