When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.