I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
