she woke up with a sticky ear
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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