I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
