so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
