I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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