Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
