Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
