Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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