Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
