wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
