hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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