So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
