I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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