i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
