So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
