She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I enjoy the company of your penis
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
